It’s My First LinkUP Party! Thanks to A Chronic Voice

ReconnectingConfessing RelaxingRomanticizingSharing

Happy September, slightly belated! Recently, I learned of something pretty cool – LinkUp Parties hosted by A Chronic Voice (shameless plug, go check out her site and learn more about these!). The idea is, she posts writing prompts, we write about them, we share our posts, and we read and comment on others’ (there are more specific guidelines, this is generalizing it). I love writing, prompts, sharing, and connecting, so it seemed like a must do. This is the first time I’m participating in this LinkUp Party, and the writer-geek in me is pretty excited. The prompts for this month are:

  • Reconnecting
  • Confessing
  • Relaxing
  • Romanticizing
  • Sharing

I’ve decided to write a little on all five of the prompts because… well, why not!

Reconnecting

This one is super timely for me. This past weekend, my family suffered a tragedy.  It’s not my place to give details, as it wasn’t directly related to me, but my family members are dealing with an unfathomable loss. As tragedy tends to, it’s drawn us together, which has in turn made me realize how unconnected I’ve been to much of my extended family. I have cousins that I used to spend every holiday with that I haven’t seen in years. If it weren’t for social media, I am not sure I’d know what to half of my family is up to these days. I used to send birthday cards to even the most widely extended family members, and yet this past couple of years I’ve become increasingly bad at doing this. And so I’m actively working on reconnecting with family. Friends too, as I’ve been a bit of a social hermit lately, but family especially. Even if it’s a card, or a text, or a quick email to say hi or check in – we all live scattered throughout the country, many with families of their own, so in-person visits aren’t always feasible logistically. But even in this, I want to improve. I like road trips, I have airline miles. I should take the time and make the effort to see family more – time is our most valuable asset. It’s the one thing we can’t ever get back, and I need to be more cognizant of this and use more of my time reconnecting.

Confessing

Confession: I’ve been big time procrastinating and unintentionally self-sabotaging. Not in an obvious sort of way. Not the “oh yeah I’ll do the laundry tomorrow” and end up with no clean clothes type of thing. Instead, I’ve been procrastinating by continually brainstorming – subconsciously up until this point at least, but now that I’ve realized it the gig’s up. The thing is (confession part 2): I have a pretty serious fear of failure and rejection. Depression makes me convinced that I’m basically always going to fail and be rejected. And this fear often stops me in my tracks. So instead of actually writing pieces to be submitted, or starting on an advocacy project, I brainstorm about them… continually. I make lists. Lists of lists. I do everything but actually get started.  Now don’t get me wrong, brainstorming and list making can be incredibly useful and important tools… when they’re actually needed. But I’m realizing that I’m basically repeating lists and brainstorms over and over again in slightly different ways. I’m getting nothing new out of them. They’re just stalling me from actually beginning. But I just can’t make myself start. It’s like I sit down, ready to go, and poof, there goes every thought I ever had, gone from my brain, and I literally sit there staring. I know that deep down somewhere, it’s fear. And so, I’m trying to work through that. Even if at first I keep most of my articles or posts or projects or whatever it is to myself, I’m trying to get started on them. Even if what I end up with is a bunch of super rough drafts that I’d be embarrassed to show anyone in their current state, at least that gives me a starting point. Because true, the more I do, and the more I eventually, hopefully, put “out there” for others to see, the more chances I have of being rejected, or of failing. But also, the more chances I have of being successful as well.  And I also know that a sure fire way for me to stay afraid of something is to continually avoid it – because often, at least in my anxious brain, the anticipation is way more frightening than the actual situation itself. So I’m working on getting past that.

 

Relaxing

I am decent at relaxing physically, but relaxing my brain is a whole other story. Most frequently, I get engrossed in books, as a way of kind of “tuning out” the difficult thoughts and worries and fears in my head. But I also realize that relying solely on others’ worlds (via books) to escape doesn’t necessarily help me when I need my brain to relax and cannot simply pick up a book and read for an hour(s). So I’ve been making a conscious effort to meditate on a regular basis. While “the spirit is willing”, my physical commitment to doing this ebbs and flows – I’ll go a week meditating every night, and then miss several before I get back in the swing of it again. I’m working on making it more of a daily habit. I’m hoping that the more I meditate, that it’ll become easier for me to use my meditation techniques throughout the day, without having to stop, get out my meditation cushion, and do a full on guided meditation.

 

dog meditation

Sometimes my dog, Grace, “helps” me meditate.

Romanticizing

In my daydreams, my life has endless possibilities. I romanticize about how I’m going to grow my Spread Hope Project into an important organization and one day I’m going to run this successful nonprofit. I daydream about how I’m going to live on a farm and be more sustainable and have goats and a scottish highland cow (legit dream of mine!) despite the fact that I’ve never farmed anything in my life, am currently struggling to save my houseplants, and don’t know the slightest about raising farm animals. I daydream about traveling around the world – hiking in every country in Europe (not across Europe mind you, but some place in every country).  In the daydreams in my head, my life potential is pretty incredible. And in reality, I’m doing little things to help this along. But I also realize that reality probably lies somewhere between these ideal daydreams and the rut I’m stuck in now, feeling lost and like I’ll never get anywhere. Hence, my confession above, and my effort to actually take action, instead of just thinking and writing about them.

 

Mcow

Cow selfie in the Catskills

Sharing

I’m actually really good at sharing my thoughts, my emotions, what I’m going through. Becoming a mental health and chronic illness advocate and blogger has helped me tremendously in this regard. But what I’m not great with is sharing my time, or those I’m close to. Despite being an introvert that loves having a decent amount of alone time, when I want to spend time with people, I want to spend time with them. I’m not good at sharing in that regard. If I want to hang out or do something with you, I want to hang out or do something with you. Not you and your other friend and her cousin and her cousin’s sister. Just you. Despite my not having been great at connecting with people lately, once I’ve decided that I want to spend that time, I know that I’m demanding in it. Someone wanting to spend quality time with me is, above all else, how I feel cared for and valued and loved. I need to find a better balance in this for several reasons. First, not everyone is as quality time focused as I am,, and I have to respect that. We all feel cared for in different ways, and I need to be amenable to theirs like I ask them to be amenable to my need for time. Secondly, as an introvert with social anxiety, it’s rather unfair to say “much of the time I want to do my own thing and not be social, but when I want to be, you better be available and want to spend time together” So I’m working on trying to strike a more healthy balance, trying to share my time, and to share my loved ones.

So there you have it – my five prompts and my first Linkup Party! Definitely check out the other submissions for this month’s post over on A Chronic Voice!

Making New Connections

Goal Number 4: 

2018 Goal_Make One New Connection Every Day

Enter a caption

 

I’m an introvert, and a socially anxious one at that. It’s not that I have a difficult time talking with people. In fact, by virtue of my job/career I have to all the time. But I’m not a big small talker, as most introverts aren’t. I’ll exchange pleasantries because I have to, and because it’s the polite thing to do.  But I want real conversation. I want connection that means something. And I know there are others that feel the same way. Whether it’s because they’re introverted or socially anxious or feel that others don’t understand them because of an illness, or even just shy (I am not, but I can understand it). So whether it’s online or in person or a chance meeting, I want to make one new connection every day. It doesn’t even have to be someone I’ll regularly stay in contact with, or happen some grand moment. But it’s nice to connect with people, even if for a little bit. I want to offer that to others as much as I want to make it happen myself. Because as introverted as I am, it’s nice to feel like there are others, or at least someone else, who get you – even if just for a little while.

What Is Hope?

Since starting Spread Hope Project, I’ve been asked this question several times. It’s a completely valid question, being that my goal is to spread hope.  And yet, it somehow trips me up. Hope has always been to me one of those things that just is.  It’s difficult to describe without using the word itself. And yet, to each of us, it most likely looks a little different.

In terms of spreading hope itself, my goal is to help people that are struggling to feel that something good, positive, or at least better than how they currently feel, is possible. When used in the context or mental health, it could mean that their depression can improve with proper treatment, or that they’ll find a way to work through their anxiety, able to manage it better, or simply that the anxiety attack or bout of depression won’t last forever.  For others, it could mean learning confidence and improving their self-esteem when depression knocks it so low. For some it could have a broader reach – it could be feeling less lost in life, or less alone in their illness. It could be feeling like they and their life matter. It could be connecting with others who understand, who can offer support when needed, or who can help motivate and inspire them.

Hope is surprisingly tricky to describe in and of itself, I’ve found upon trying. It isn’t even, at least to me, a determined belief or strongly held conviction. It’s a possibility. A possibility that things could improve, that there’s something to look forward to. It doesn’t have to be based in fact or knowledge.  It can come from a feeling, even a flicker of one.  It can come from knowing that there’s even one other person who may understand, or one instance of feeling like you matter. It doesn’t require evidence or proof.  You don’t have to know that something will happen to have hope. You just have to feel that their may be the possibility. At least that’s how it seems to me.

And so, in my efforts to spread hope, I try to work with both the details and the general feeling. At times, I speak specifically to mental health and chronic illness. Other times, I try to focus more on confidence or self esteem. Other times still, I try to simply let people know that, however they are feeling, they aren’t alone, and that they matter.

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