April Linkup Party

Happy April! It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve had a lot going on, both in illness and in life – in fact I still do – and I’ve been needing to recenter and refocus a bit. However, I saw the April Linkup Party Prompts from A Chronic Voice, and these always inspire me to post. This month’s prompts are:

I love each and every one of these, so I’ve decided to write on all five.

Tiring

Right now, a lot of things seem tiring. My schedule has been intense for the past few months, as it’s been unusually busy at work and yoga teacher training is coming down to the wire (spoiler alert – see educating for more on this). The lack of down time/free time has been tiring. Not in a bad way, per se, as it’s all towards a greater goal, but still, tiring. More so, my brain has been tiring. Because I live with a rapid mood cycling disorder, my brain is all over the place. It spent all of January and February berating me, telling me I’d never succeed, picking at every tiny vulnerability. I was a giant weeping mess for the first two months of the year. Enter March, and things started to feel better. Not sure why, but they did. I’d been doing a lot of work on myself, and though I know my condition won’t ever go away, I thought at least I was pulling through the darkest pieces, and that my intense work on myself was paying off. And then, April hit. Hit me like an emotional ton of bricks, that is. I’m back to gooey, weepy mess, low self-worth and self-esteem, struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel. And this back and forth, this two steps forward one step back, this constant internal struggle and emotional roller coaster, is incredibly emotionally and mentally tiring.

Educating

As mentioned above, I’ve been participating in 200-hour yoga teacher training since the end of September. I am due to teach my “first class” (basically practicum part of our final) on April 26th, and I have my written final exam April 28th. The past few months have been tons of learning and educating, in everything from philosophy to the physical movements of yoga and everything in between. I’ve been learning how to put yoga flows together, how to choose the right music, the business and ethics end of being a yoga instructor. We were educated on trauma informed yoga (the basics, it’s something I want to pursue further once I graduate). I’ve been steeped in education.

I’ve also been doing a lot of educating myself on myself – everything from working on my courage and learning how I self-sabotage out of fear, to recognizing my codependent tendencies, to learning how to rediscover myself (if you have any tips for this, I’ll take them, this is still a work in progress), to so much more. It’s been super eye opening, helpful, frustrating, and just about every other emotion possible.

Receiving

I’m working on learning how to receive compliments/praise/acknowledgement/basically anything positive, either from others or myself. Low self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence make me generally sure that everyone’s “just being nice”, and that I’m not worthy of anything positive actually said about or done for me.

I’m also working on not receiving other people’s negative energy, painful words and actions, judgements, lack of belief in me, or anything else that falls into this realm. To clarify, I’m realistic and value honesty. I don’t want everyone to walk on eggshells or be all fluffy kittens and rainbows with me. But I have often defined myself by other people’s opinions/thoughts/words/actions. They thought the way I did something was wrong? I must be wrong. They didn’t believe in me or doubted me? I stopped believing in or started doubting myself (note: I already do this enough on my own, I don’t need others’ help to do so). This is all part of the codependent tendencies mentioned earlier. It’s still a big issue for me. I”m working on separating my belief in myself and my self-worth, from the negative I receive from others, while still being open to genuine constructive suggestions, alternative ways of doing/seeing things, etc.

Giving

I’m a giver by nature. I give time, I give understanding, I give empathy, I give forgiveness, I lend an ear, I help if someone needs help. Sometimes, in fact, I’m too giving. I try to be everything to everyone, except for to myself. So right now, what I’m working on is more focused giving, both internally and externally. For instance, instead of offering to be everything to everyone, I’m working on specifically reaching out to individual people, checking on on them, saying hi, etc. Not like a quick Facebook comment or like, but sending a persona text or message, really reaching out. I’m working on cultivating close relationships, instead of trying to be everything to everyone. It doesn’t mean that I am not there for others. But I am protecting my own energy a little more. I’m also working on giving to myself. Giving myself the kind words, the encouragement, the belief in self that has often been missing. I’ll get a bit more into this in “Quieting”, below.

Quieting

I’ve been doing a lot of self-work, as I mentioned. Much of this has to do with quieting the negative thought patterns in my mind, as well as reigning my mind in when it tries to run amuck (often). I’ve also been working on spending more time in meditating, yoga of course, prayer, reflection, and body access exercises/body scanning, which all help me with quieting my external environment (I tend to do each of these best in a quieter setting), but also my internal one.

Thanks, as always, for these prompts! It’s good to be back to blogging here again. Don’t forget to go to Linkup Party link in the first paragraph to check out others’ posts for these prompts!

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It’s My First LinkUP Party! Thanks to A Chronic Voice

ReconnectingConfessing RelaxingRomanticizingSharing

Happy September, slightly belated! Recently, I learned of something pretty cool – LinkUp Parties hosted by A Chronic Voice (shameless plug, go check out her site and learn more about these!). The idea is, she posts writing prompts, we write about them, we share our posts, and we read and comment on others’ (there are more specific guidelines, this is generalizing it). I love writing, prompts, sharing, and connecting, so it seemed like a must do. This is the first time I’m participating in this LinkUp Party, and the writer-geek in me is pretty excited. The prompts for this month are:

  • Reconnecting
  • Confessing
  • Relaxing
  • Romanticizing
  • Sharing

I’ve decided to write a little on all five of the prompts because… well, why not!

Reconnecting

This one is super timely for me. This past weekend, my family suffered a tragedy.  It’s not my place to give details, as it wasn’t directly related to me, but my family members are dealing with an unfathomable loss. As tragedy tends to, it’s drawn us together, which has in turn made me realize how unconnected I’ve been to much of my extended family. I have cousins that I used to spend every holiday with that I haven’t seen in years. If it weren’t for social media, I am not sure I’d know what to half of my family is up to these days. I used to send birthday cards to even the most widely extended family members, and yet this past couple of years I’ve become increasingly bad at doing this. And so I’m actively working on reconnecting with family. Friends too, as I’ve been a bit of a social hermit lately, but family especially. Even if it’s a card, or a text, or a quick email to say hi or check in – we all live scattered throughout the country, many with families of their own, so in-person visits aren’t always feasible logistically. But even in this, I want to improve. I like road trips, I have airline miles. I should take the time and make the effort to see family more – time is our most valuable asset. It’s the one thing we can’t ever get back, and I need to be more cognizant of this and use more of my time reconnecting.

Confessing

Confession: I’ve been big time procrastinating and unintentionally self-sabotaging. Not in an obvious sort of way. Not the “oh yeah I’ll do the laundry tomorrow” and end up with no clean clothes type of thing. Instead, I’ve been procrastinating by continually brainstorming – subconsciously up until this point at least, but now that I’ve realized it the gig’s up. The thing is (confession part 2): I have a pretty serious fear of failure and rejection. Depression makes me convinced that I’m basically always going to fail and be rejected. And this fear often stops me in my tracks. So instead of actually writing pieces to be submitted, or starting on an advocacy project, I brainstorm about them… continually. I make lists. Lists of lists. I do everything but actually get started.  Now don’t get me wrong, brainstorming and list making can be incredibly useful and important tools… when they’re actually needed. But I’m realizing that I’m basically repeating lists and brainstorms over and over again in slightly different ways. I’m getting nothing new out of them. They’re just stalling me from actually beginning. But I just can’t make myself start. It’s like I sit down, ready to go, and poof, there goes every thought I ever had, gone from my brain, and I literally sit there staring. I know that deep down somewhere, it’s fear. And so, I’m trying to work through that. Even if at first I keep most of my articles or posts or projects or whatever it is to myself, I’m trying to get started on them. Even if what I end up with is a bunch of super rough drafts that I’d be embarrassed to show anyone in their current state, at least that gives me a starting point. Because true, the more I do, and the more I eventually, hopefully, put “out there” for others to see, the more chances I have of being rejected, or of failing. But also, the more chances I have of being successful as well.  And I also know that a sure fire way for me to stay afraid of something is to continually avoid it – because often, at least in my anxious brain, the anticipation is way more frightening than the actual situation itself. So I’m working on getting past that.

 

Relaxing

I am decent at relaxing physically, but relaxing my brain is a whole other story. Most frequently, I get engrossed in books, as a way of kind of “tuning out” the difficult thoughts and worries and fears in my head. But I also realize that relying solely on others’ worlds (via books) to escape doesn’t necessarily help me when I need my brain to relax and cannot simply pick up a book and read for an hour(s). So I’ve been making a conscious effort to meditate on a regular basis. While “the spirit is willing”, my physical commitment to doing this ebbs and flows – I’ll go a week meditating every night, and then miss several before I get back in the swing of it again. I’m working on making it more of a daily habit. I’m hoping that the more I meditate, that it’ll become easier for me to use my meditation techniques throughout the day, without having to stop, get out my meditation cushion, and do a full on guided meditation.

 

dog meditation

Sometimes my dog, Grace, “helps” me meditate.

Romanticizing

In my daydreams, my life has endless possibilities. I romanticize about how I’m going to grow my Spread Hope Project into an important organization and one day I’m going to run this successful nonprofit. I daydream about how I’m going to live on a farm and be more sustainable and have goats and a scottish highland cow (legit dream of mine!) despite the fact that I’ve never farmed anything in my life, am currently struggling to save my houseplants, and don’t know the slightest about raising farm animals. I daydream about traveling around the world – hiking in every country in Europe (not across Europe mind you, but some place in every country).  In the daydreams in my head, my life potential is pretty incredible. And in reality, I’m doing little things to help this along. But I also realize that reality probably lies somewhere between these ideal daydreams and the rut I’m stuck in now, feeling lost and like I’ll never get anywhere. Hence, my confession above, and my effort to actually take action, instead of just thinking and writing about them.

 

Mcow

Cow selfie in the Catskills

Sharing

I’m actually really good at sharing my thoughts, my emotions, what I’m going through. Becoming a mental health and chronic illness advocate and blogger has helped me tremendously in this regard. But what I’m not great with is sharing my time, or those I’m close to. Despite being an introvert that loves having a decent amount of alone time, when I want to spend time with people, I want to spend time with them. I’m not good at sharing in that regard. If I want to hang out or do something with you, I want to hang out or do something with you. Not you and your other friend and her cousin and her cousin’s sister. Just you. Despite my not having been great at connecting with people lately, once I’ve decided that I want to spend that time, I know that I’m demanding in it. Someone wanting to spend quality time with me is, above all else, how I feel cared for and valued and loved. I need to find a better balance in this for several reasons. First, not everyone is as quality time focused as I am,, and I have to respect that. We all feel cared for in different ways, and I need to be amenable to theirs like I ask them to be amenable to my need for time. Secondly, as an introvert with social anxiety, it’s rather unfair to say “much of the time I want to do my own thing and not be social, but when I want to be, you better be available and want to spend time together” So I’m working on trying to strike a more healthy balance, trying to share my time, and to share my loved ones.

So there you have it – my five prompts and my first Linkup Party! Definitely check out the other submissions for this month’s post over on A Chronic Voice!