As you undoubtedly know by now, because I’ve been posting about it regularly on every platform for approximately the last month, I’ll be turning 40 in less than a week. I’ve been reading quite a bit about choosing theme words for the year, and while I know this feels like something traditionally done at New Year, entering into a new decade of my life seemed like as good a time as any to think about where I want to focus for the upcoming year. Plus, setting these focuses in September allows me to take the New Year, if I choose to use it as a marker like so many do, to assess where I am, and to make any adjustments I feel I want or need. Some people choose one theme word, but life right now (and always) seems so multi-dimensional, and I’ve got numerous areas in which I’m working to grow and refocus, that I thought I’d pick four. Turns out, I ended up choosing five (listed/described below in no particular order except the one in which they came into my head, which we all know is generally haphazard). Also, I didn’t stick to a certain word type (noun, verb, etc). I simply chose what felt appropriate.
1. Intentional. The number of times I find myself checking my social media, getting distracted by something unimportant, letting my mind become a runaway train into the land of “what if” and negative thoughts and so much else, without even realizing it, is a bit startling. I’ll suddenly pause and realize my actions/tasks/thoughts are far from where I planned them to be. So many times on the drive to work or walking my dog, I don’t recall how I got there. To clarify, I’m not sleep-driving or sleep-dog walking. I’m simply not noticing. Yes, I’m noticing the cars moving or stopping in front of me, I’m noticing my dog stop and sit at the corner and making sure it’s clear before we cross. I’m noticing enough to be safe, but I’m not sinking into it. It could be a beautiful morning, sun rising over my neighborhood, flowers blooming, gentle breeze, birds chirping while I’m walking my dog, and I’m going over something in my head or planning my to do list or revisiting an argument or disagreement I had with someone from last week or stressing out over something I can do nothing about at 5:30AM while walking my dog. So my goal is to be more intentional. In my actions, in my thoughts, in my interactions with people, in my being present in the world around me. Social media checking is fine (and beneficial to my business, even). But I don’t want to look up from twitter or IG or FB 30 minutes later and not even recall why I went onto the app in the first place. And I DEFINITELY don’t want to be doing this while in the presence of friends, family, etc, who are actually there with me, being ignored while I absentmindedly scroll.
2. Growth. This year is a growth year for me in numerous ways. I’m growing my yoga business. I’m growing in the writing community, having just self-published my first novel. I’m also focusing on growing personally in numerous ways. I’m working on finding my voice and using it where appropriate (but not to drown out others). I’m working on recognizing dependent and codependent tendencies (revisited shortly here), and adjusting course. I’m learning how to work through parts of growth that can be difficult, triggering, painful. I’m working at recognizing my own faults and missteps and mistakes, and taking accountability, while learning NOT to take accountability and responsibility for other peoples thoughts, words, or actions,which are the responsibility of them, not me (in other words, I’m accountable for me, you’re accountable for you).
3. Non-dependence. I’m not sure this is actually a word, either with or without the hyphen. Originally, I had this as independence, but that doesn’t really explain what I’m aiming for. I already have a pretty independent spirit. I am generally not a conformist, I don’t do things because they’re “cool” or everyone else is doing them. I’m not easily swayed in my opinions or beliefs (other than about myself, and I’m working on that). But, as I mentioned above, codependency (i.e. supporting negative patterns with others by trying to ‘make everything better’, basically) and dependency (believing I’m not good enough/worthy/capable/don’t know enough/others know better and therefore stepping aside and letting others take control, make decisions, etc) are both issues I’ve struggled with for years. So I’m focusing on NOT being those things. On learning those patterns and habits and how I get caught in them, and breaking those cycles. Hence, non-dependence. And to be clear, this doesn’t mean I never accept help. We all have strengths and areas we’re not as strong. I’m not going to refuse to let someone taller than me get something off of a high shelf when I can’t reach because I “don’t want to depend on anyone.” We should all have people we can rely and depend upon when needed. It’s about not doing so at the detriment to myself and others.
4. Reconnecting. Connecting is also my monthly theme for my yoga and wellness business, and you can read about that in my blog post discussing why I chose it. But basically, I’ve become disconnected. My introverted and social anxious nature lends itself to disconnecting from others. Depression doesn’t help when it tells me that people don’t really want to be around me, that I’m a burden, that people don’t actually like me and that they’re just including me or talking to me to be nice. So I’m working on reconnecting with others, and also, examining those connections. Are all the people I’ve been connected to still the people that I should be connected to? Am I hanging on to situations, people, that I don’t need to, that aren’t serving me (or them)? Am I staying around in groups, organizations, etc just because they’re familiar? So I’m doing some re-examining. I’m also working on reconnecting with myself. Knowing who I truly am, deep down. Focusing on my core values, my personality type, my beliefs, my path and goals and dreams, my innate self, and getting back to that person. I’m working on not allowing fear or worry or others’ opinions or values change that (or at least trying not to, as best as I can). I’m learning to be me again. And finally, I’m working on reconnecting with the world around me, especially in nature, through being present. Connecting to the earth, grounding.
5. Letting go. This was a late add, but I realized how important it was. I have held onto SO much. Guilt, shame, self-blame, self-loathing, regret, negative beliefs about myself, fears, that do not serve me. They often aren’t even based in reality, in facts, they’re stories I tell myself. And I can’t ever move forward, ever grow, if I can’t let these pieces go.
And so, as I cross the threshold from my 30s to my 40s, these are the theme words I’ll be stepping into. These are the areas in which I plan to focus. They are not, of course, the only things I’ll focus on, but they will help to guide me when I feel lost or confused or am questioning myself in my decisions and path. They’ll help me to guide myself, both when I come to important crossroads, as well as while I move through every day life.
Thanks for taking this wild ride of life with me. Here’s to 40 more years!